Losing someone you don't know

Saw on facebook that someone I somewhat knew died roughly a day or two ago. Such are the vagarities of relationships that lie somewhere between acquaintance and friend strung along via social media.

We hadn't spoken in decades, so to say I knew the woman she'd become would be lying--lord knows I've done a couple of 180s since high school.

But I knew her well-ish at one time. She was beautiful and full of energy. Our school was cliquish to say the least, and from my viewpoint in the untouchables caste she seemed one of the popular girls. It never seemed to fully fit her, though--which made her appealing. Likeable. We conversed several times before and after graduation, and while I can't recall the content of a single chat, all that I remember validated that she was kind, complex, smart, and beautiful on the inside too.

As so often happens, we lost touch--until social media. And while I still didn't know her, I knew of her, knew things about her. Things she posted. She had struggles. She felt pain. She worked to work through it. She gave of herself to improve the lives of those less fortunate, and she seemed to find healing in that.

I don't know how she died. I don't know if she was in a good place or a bad one in her life, and it really isn't my business. I never reached out to her beyond making or accepting a friend request and a couple of messages afterward. Maybe a like or reply of a post or two.

I regret that.

Because I felt a pull, a desire to reconnect more deeply, if only to ask how she was once a year. But I let bullshit excuses like time and timing get in the way.

It's hard to make sense of it with so few threads to hold. Maybe there's no sense to be made. Some things are senseless.

I may not have really known her. But I will miss her.